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What Is Love?

Many people believe love is a sensation that magically generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. No wonder so many people are single. An excerpt from "Head to Heart."

A few years ago, I spoke to a group of high-schoolers about the Jewish idea of love.

"Someone define love," I said.

No response.

"Doesn't anyone want to try?" I asked.

Still no response.

"Tell you what: I'll define it, and you raise your hands if you agree. Okay?"

Nods.

"Okay. Love is that feeling you get when you meet the right person."

Every hand went up. And I thought, Oy.

This is how many people approach a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, they believe love is a sensation (based on physical and emotional attraction) that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. And just as easily, it can spontaneously degenerate when the magic "just isn't there" anymore. You fall in love, and you can fall out of it.

The key word is passivity. Erich Fromm, in his famous treatise "The Art of Loving," noted the sad consequence of this misconception: "There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love." (That was back in 1956 -- chances are he'd be even more pessimistic today.)

So what is love -- real, lasting love?

Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.

The word "goodness" may surprise you. After all, most love stories don't feature a couple enraptured with each other's ethics. ("I'm captivated by your values!" he told her passionately. "And I've never met a man with such morals!" she cooed.) But in her study of real-life successful marriages ("The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts"), Judith Wallerstein reports that "the value these couples placed on the partner's moral qualities was an unexpected finding."

To the Jewish mind, it isn't unexpected at all. What we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. God created us to see ourselves as good (hence our need to either rationalize or regret our wrongdoings). So, too, we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love.

LOVE IS A CHOICE

If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn't just happen -- you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you'll love easily.

I was once at an intimate concert in which the performer, a deeply spiritual person, gazed warmly at his audience and said, "I want you to know, I love you all." I smiled tolerantly and thought, "Sure." Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man naturally saw the good in others, and our being there said enough about us that he could love us. Judaism actually idealizes this universal, unconditional love.

Obviously, there's a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. But seeing goodness is the beginning.

Susan learned about this foundation of love after becoming engaged to David. When she called her parents to tell them the good news, they were elated. At the end of the conversation, her mother said, "Darling, I want you to know we love you, and we love David."

Susan was a bit dubious. "Mom," she said hesitantly, "I really appreciate your feelings, but, in all honesty, how can you say you love someone you've never met?"

"We're choosing to love him," her mother explained, "because love is a choice."

There's no better wisdom Susan's mother could have imparted to her before marriage. By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.

ACTIONS AFFECT FEELINGS

N  that you're feeling so warmly toward the entire human race, how can you deepen your love for someone? The way God created us, actions affect our feelings most. For example, if you want to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start, but giving tzedaka (charity) will get you there. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loving -- and that means giving.

While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth (as Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler writes in his famous discourse on loving kindness) is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love.

What is giving? When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his non- mechanically inclined wife, "Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday -- a triple-decker toolbox!" that's not giving. Neither is a father's forcing violin lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a virtuoso.

True giving, as Erich Fromm points out, is other-oriented, and requires four elements. The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient's life and growth. The second is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs). The third is respect, "the ability to see a person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his [or her] unique individuality," and, consequently, wanting that person to "grow and unfold as he [or she] is." These three components all depend upon the fourth, knowledge. You can care for, respond to, and respect another only as deeply as you know him or her.

OPENING YOURSELF TO OTHERS

The effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person's world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself.

Many years ago, I met a woman whom I found very unpleasant. So I decided to try out the "giving leads to love" theory. One day I invited her for dinner. A few days later I offered to help her with a personal problem. On another occasion I read something she'd written and offered feedback and praise. Today we have a warm relationship. The more you give, the more you love. This is why your parents (who've given you more than you'll ever know) undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in turn, will love your own children more than they'll love you.

Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time -- which nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. These may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wife give more and more to each other.

A woman I know once explained why she's been happily married for 25 years. "A relationship has its ups and downs," she told me. "The downs can be really low -- and when you're in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse."

Dr. Jill Murray (author of "But I Love Him: Protecting Your Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships") writes that if someone mistreats you while professing to love you, remember: "Love is a behavior." A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving -- not only saying, "I love you," but showing it.

Reprinted with permission from "HEAD TO HEART" by Gila Manolson. Published by: Targum Press, Inc. http://www.targum.com

What the Bible Tells Us About Sex

The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 7, "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

It seems that the human need for sexual fulfillment is so great, the apostle Paul tells us to be in prayer when we are not regularly in sexual union with our spouse because we are very vulnerable to temptation.

Obviously, some people have differing levels of desire. Sometimes a woman's desire is somewhat lower than her husband's. We've also found men whose desire is less than their wives. The cause of this can be the result of many things--poor nutrition, lack of sleep, emotional distress, traumatic past experiences, and situational difficulty. Whatever the cause, differing sexual desire is usually a source of great frustration--especially for the spouse with the stronger drive.

We should not ignore the needs of our spouse. Being tired, too busy, or disinterested does not prevent the temptation of the devil and does not diminish the desire of our spouse. Furthermore, NEVER is it appropriate for one spouse to deprive the other in order to punish. This is a form of manipulation and control. It should not be put into practice by loving husbands and wives who are imitators of Jesus Christ.

The Human Sex Drive

The human sex-drive is controlled by the same part of the brain that controls hunger. It is a recurring, constant need in both men and women. Excuses for not meeting this need or any other need can do great emotional damage to a spouse. One frustration we have at Family Dynamics is trying to explain to a spouse that his or her spouse's need for sexual fulfillment is very intense and that any excuse stated for not meeting this need inadvertantly tells that spouse that convenience, feelings, or situations are more important than his or her needs.

In all honesty, the frustration seems to be most common in men. Their wives are too tired, busy, or disinterested to fulfill their sexual needs. One example that has been used by leading marriage therapists to explain what a spouse experiences when his need for sex is not met is in a story about a glass of water.

Pretend you are very thirsty--to the point of dehydration--and your spouse has a tall, cool glass of water. You beg for a drink. Your spouse says, "I'm too tired to hand it to you." Or, "Since you didn't clean the floor you aren't getting it." Or, "I just don't have any desire to give you a drink."

Does that make your thirst go away? Does that take away the need? Does that excuse make you less thirsty or content? Does that excuse make you feel good or bad about your spouse? It would probably break your heart that your spouse would be so cruel and seemingly unconcerned with your very real need.

You see, whether we like it or not, presenting an excuse to a spouse says, "I know you think you need this, but you don't" (The president of our ministry--Joe Beam uses that example often).

We must remember the following principle: One spouse does not have the right to decide what is or is not important to the other spouse.

Another result of unmet needs, very common in men, is resentment. They feel that their wives are not attracted to them and that any sexual intimacy they experience with their wives comes as a result of begging or because they have done favors for their spouse. Many men have experienced deep emotional hurt because they feel that their wives treat them as if they're gross and don't seem to enjoy having sex with them. Many wives don't give relevance to their husbands real need for sexual fulfillment.

Many marriage experts seem to "beat up" on men and make them the butt of jokes at seminars and conferences. I don't approve of being overly critical of either spouse. Men have their fair share of relationship shortcomings. For example: Some wives would enjoy sex as much as their husbands if their husbands had better technique, patience, and knowledge. But it seems that, in the case of sexual fulfillment, many wives fail to recognize or acknowledge that their husband has a deep, natural need that cannot be dismissed by excuses. Failure by his wife to meet this need places him in a terrible dilemma: Either he lives in misery and deprevation with his spouse or he seeks fulfillment from another source. Sadly, this is the most common road to an affair.

I don't have the space or time to comment further on this particular subject. We have a resource on our web site called, "The Love, Sex, and Marriage Home-Study." It goes into detail on this very subject. Sexual technique, environment, education on male and female anatomy, and practical ways to enhance your sex life (inside of marriage) are studied in detail--in the privacy of your own home. If you'd like to learn about the home-study, click here.

reflections...

it's not what enters men's mouth that's evil..

it's what comes out of their mouth that is..

Quickie in the Alley

If the urge for quick sex outdoors takes your fancy, then make sure neither of you has to lie on the ground amid all the grime and litter of an alleyway.

Instead, lean her back against a wall-she wraps her legs around your thighs, while you busily pump away.

Although short on foreplay and clitoral stimulation for your lady, this should be high on excitement for both participants.

Heaving Position

For the larger couple, this position is a winner.

Heftier types do well to avoid gut-to-gut coupling-because penetration alone like this is a miracle-and should go for rear-entry or spoons instead.

This take on standing rear-entry sex allows the lady to balance on one leg and bend forward to enhance G-spot sensation, while a free hand can be used to fiddle with his ass.

Fish Style Sex

If you're feeling adventurous, or perhaps you're both drunk and don't have a choice, try making love to each other without the use of your arms or your legs.

This forces you to slither over each other, and to use tiny pelvic squeezes rather than piston-like in-and-out thrusting.

To really make it tricky, you can handcuff each other first-see our open-minded friends at the left.

Just make sure you can sing out to the neighbors to release you from the shackles when you're both done.

Do the Slide

This position will earn you kudos with your lady simply for being able to carry it off.

You kneel down and lift her legs up to your shoulders, then angle your cock down until it slides into her. Standard penetration in this position is difficult given your angled cock; this one's a grinder.

The rush of blood to her head will give the sex a spacy feel, but be careful to ensure that you don't carry on for too long. She'll get a headache.

Needless to say, a long penis is a prerequisite. Rats!

Deeper Inside

If you want full penetration, it's guaranteed here, where she lies on her back with legs pulled up, and you hold them in place with your arms.

Her ankles rest on your shoulders. It's also perfect for those nights when she feels like playing out a "dominant man, submissive lady" fantasy, as you'll be totally in charge of the depth and the speed.

Cubicle Nookie

Tired of routinary rumble on the sheets? Try the hardwood of your office desk.

With a macho sweep of your arm, clear your work shrine of all undesirable office stuff and sit your lady love on it atop a couple of fluffy pillows, facing you with legs splayed.

Your place would be on your swivel chair with your lips in line with hers (if you get the drift).

While you're busy, she could help out some more and slip her toes down to your thighs and give you a nice massage.

Contact of all parts involved would probably free your mind of any other concerns - like the boss walking in.

Bump & Grind

Rather than just going in and out when having sex, try leaving your cock deep within her and moving your hips in a figure-of-eight pattern instead. Rather than just going in and out when having sex, try leaving your cock deep within her and moving your hips in a figure-of-eight pattern instead.

This will provide pleasant friction for her as you grind your body against her pubic area, but leave your sensitive glans relatively unstimulated, thus delaying your inevitably premature climax.